I don't remember the first time I met Todd Macland. I also don't remember a time after age thirteen where I didn't feel his presence.
Our friendship existed only at first in the gym at Central Middle School. We played countless hours of basketball together... just fooling around throwing up wild shots. And then Todd started calling me and we'd hit the Ark together. Sometimes I was the only girl, sometimes it was a group of us and sometimes it was just Todd and I. It was always basketball.
We had a strange friendship back then. He would tease the hell out of me and I would be furious! So furious that I would think I couldn't handle him one more second... and then he would look at me and say "Oh Ter... I was just jokin'" and expect me to forgive him on the spot. And this unforgiving girl forgave. Our relationship was always platonic. There was an unwritten language of trust between us.
When Todd moved to Kelowna, I was truly sad. I thought that I would never see him again. But man did I underestimate the power of Todd's love and friendship. Not long after he moved, I started getting his calls. He would tell me stories of basketball and his new team-mates. He was making some amazing friendships and loving the game more than ever. This was the beginning of our evolution as friends...
I've been searching for words that would describe the next 20 years of our friendship. There are none that would do justice to what Todd meant to me. He was a force of energy that existed in the background of my life....always... We did not see each other as often as we would have liked. But it didn't matter because our bond was strong. I credit this to Todd's commitment to our friendship. He never wavered, never faltered, but rather kept our relationship alive at all times. There are so many reasons I am thankful for Todd's commitment.... a major one being that I have weak telephone skills, even when I love and treasure someone. This didn't matter to Todd - he was the persistent energy behind our communication with constant calls and texts.
But more than the logistics of our friendship.... he taught me about being a devoted friend. I always told my husband that there were times that Todd would "drop off the face of the earth". He would ask about Todd and if this was the answer he got, he knew that I was worried sick. There were times in our friendship that I would not hear from Todd for months at a time. I would call or text and hear nothing in return. And then suddenly he would pop up again... and track me down. Literally. I can recall a time that Todd couldn't remember my married name (because even though I'd been married thirteen years, he still called me "Terri Dueck") and couldn't remember our phone number, so he decided to call all of the Dueck's in the book. Lucky for him, my dad is "Abe" and the first listing! And another time that we moved and turned our land line off... but it didn't stop him - he started calling accounting firms to find me. And just like that we were reconnected. He could have given up. He could have foregone the effort. But he was a loyal friend and constant force in my life.
Todd and I talked about everything from our personal struggles to movies to relationships. He taught me how to listen with an open heart and to accept differences. He showed me parts of the world that I was sheltered from. He taught me to see outside of my boundaries and love the "unloveable". If not for Todd, my strict ideas of the way things "should be" would probably still exist. Todd taught me how to be vulnerable. To love even though I might be hurt. To love even when it was not easy.
To have a friendship with Todd, I had to learn light-heartedness. To be teased and laugh it off. Being a person who has never liked to be laughed at, this was a huge challenge for me. But somehow, Todd made it worth figuring out. I am what you call an outgoing introvert - I've got no problem talking to groups of people, but I much prefer a serious conversation with someone one-on-one. And so did Todd. But, he also knew how to draw out my carefree side.... I will never forget the time when we were 16 and went to pick up my best friend Suzanne at the mall. It was 9:00 at night and we were there a bit early so while we were waiting, Todd masterminds a plan.... we should play "Running Man". He says, "I'll run and you try to hit me with you car". For whatever reason, I agreed to this madness and I remember laughing so hard I could barely drive as he zig-zagged around the mall parking lot.
And the light-heartedness was always there.... I vividly remember this goofy dribble of Todd's which would lead to him hitting an impossible shot and shouting, "Laaaaarrrrryyy Bird". If not for Todd, I would not have even known who Larry Bird was, let alone nickname my daughter that twenty-some years later.
To Todd, I was special. In intimate and private conversations, I learned it. I know that I was safe for him. At times I feel so undeserving of this privilege. I feel that I have failed him.... times when I was unavailable to him because of my work and family commitments. It will be a struggle for me to grieve through these feelings... Underneath my guilt, however, I know what I meant to him. And I am so honoured that out of all the people, he chose me.
I remember thinking the last time I saw him..... "Wow, when did Toddy become this handsome man?". To me, he was always brother material. But suddenly I realized the entire beauty of Todd.... like everything had come together for him. He was a talented athlete. He was intelligent and passionate. He was committed and dedicated. He was charismatic. He was funny and genuine. He was healthy. And he was my friend. My committed, undying, force of energy. If I had known that were the last time I would see him, I'd have hugged him harder and longer.
Todd's energy will live on. I will move forward through this grief and keep his legacy alive in the commitment I have to my current and future relationships. There will never be another Todd for me.... but I can only hope to honour him by being the kind of friend to others that he was to me. I trust Todd. I know he will be waiting for me on the other side.
Thank you for your devotion, my friend. Our bond will never be broken.
