CHECK!

In August 2015, our family spent two glorious weeks in Kauai, HI.  When we returned home, I added up the VISA purchases and almost fainted!  We had WAY overspent on this vacation and had not even realized it as we were spending.  I decided that I had to do my part to curb the spending on our VISA, since I am forever harassing my hubs about his VISA purchases!  I had recently read an article about a lady who had not purchased anything new for six months.  This sounded like exactly what I needed to get our credit card under control!  So, I set some parameters and a start-date of September 1, 2015!

My goal:  No new spending for six whole months!  With the following exceptions:
1) Groceries and toiletries
2) Gifts
3) Small souvenirs, including a mug and Christmas ornament from any location that we travelled

So this is pretty easy right?  And at first it was even fun.  If I needed something, I borrowed it.  I got really good at looking at the thrift store for things I could find used.  And I could feel that I was really saving some money, which made me happy as I paid off our Kauai spending!  My friends were awesome about loaning me clothing for special occasions (thanks girls)!

I ended up making one large purchase in January for my home.  So, technically, I cheated.  But I had been eyeing up these stools for my kitchen with the intent to buy them once my challenge was over.  (I contemplated making bar stools, but my garage is in no shape to work on them... yet.... *see future goal*).  In January I went shopping with my mom and I spotted my stools - ON SALE!  They were $30 off, for a total savings of $120.  I thought it would just be crazy to let this sale go buy only to turn around and buy them at full price in March.  So, I made the purchase.

I also bought a shirt when we went to Edmonton.  For those of you who follow my facebook page, you probably noticed that our bus caught on fire on the way to a Synchro skating trip in Edmonton.  When we arrived at the mall, I thought my clothes were ruined, so I broke down and bought a $20 shirt to wear.  Turns out, my clothes were fine, which is a good thing because I couldn't find any pants to buy that I liked.

Now that I am nearing my six-month completion date of February 29th with what I would call a BIG success under my belt, let me tell you... I am DONE with this challenge!

I am so sick of my clothes - I doubt I will wear any of the tops I currently own again after I get through the winter.  I'm desperate for a little bit of a shopping spree for summer clothing!  And I cannot wait!

I got a lot of great items for my home for Christmas, thanks my family!  So I don't feel a real tug at my heartstrings for house stuff.  But I desperately need a new strainer.  And did I mention some new clothes?

Having said all of this... I don't intend to get crazy with my purchases!  Matt and I have worked hard to pay off our Kauai vacation and I'm proud that I got my personal spending under control!  I have a nice secondary income stream from my Rodan + Fields business and I do not intend to frivolously spend it on just anything.  This cash is going to buy my family the trip of a lifetime to Disneyworld in August!  And this time, I do not plan to charge a single item on my VISA!

I am patting myself on the back for completing this challenge and living small for the last six months.  Lesson learned.  I'll be marking this one off my list with a huge checkmark on February 29th!

The Gift of Guilt

One of the biggest goals I've set for myself in 2016 is to overcome my intense feelings of guilt.  I'm venturing out on a limb and guessing that I'm going to need to find the root of the guilt in order to do this.  This will be a frequent blog topic, I'm sure.... That said, let the journey begin!

Throughout my adulthood, I've been plagued with feelings of guilt.  As I reveal this to people close to me, they tend to chalk it up as "mom guilt".  You know, the kind that comes with the corresponding "I didn't do enough for my kids today" or "If only I wasn't a working mother" thoughts.

This isn't quite what I'm grappling with though.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of THOSE kind of feelings.... but I have guilt running as a background program literally all of the time.

So, I divulged this to my parents last week.  I poured it all out about how I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt... I gave them the examples of how when Matt wakes up and isn't in a "talking mood", I immediately feel guilty, as if I've done something to cause this.  When my dad offered to help Nate build a car for a school project and Nate went off to play while my dad built it, I had such intense guilt I didn't know whether I should force Nate to help or dive in and help build the car myself.  When my Auntie Jackie brought over a bag of rice and essential oils so she could help me make some hot socks and we used almost the entire bag of rice, I felt so ridiculously guilty.  And EVERY SINGLE time I ask someone to help me with the kids in some way or another, I am riddled with the big "G".

To help me find the root of this guilt, I decided to write down every time in my childhood that I can remember feeling guilty.  So far I only have one.  It was the time that my Grandma knit me a brown sweater-vest.  I think I was 6.  I remember crying in my room because I did not want to wear that sweater-vest, yet I felt so incredibly horrible because I knew my Grandma had spent a lot of time making it especially for me.  If it were today, I'd rock that sweater-vest.  But I was 6 and brown was ugly.

A few days after I spilled the beans, my mom called with a few additions to my list.  I am literally laughing as I write (sorry Mom)!  She came up with three specific examples that I probably should feel guilty about.  Here goes:

The time I accidentally burned up the carpet in our living room while my mom had a nice relaxing bath.  I shoved all my school papers in the fireplace at once - the fire ROARED and instantly lit the Christmas Cards that were hanging on the mantle on fire.  From there, bits of paper and cards wafted through the air and landed on the carpet, burning tiny holes all over the living room floor.  An insurance claim ensued and a new carpet needed to be installed.  

The time I was going to a little party down the street and decided to help myself to some beer from my dad's stash.  I put four beer in my cute little pink backpack but wasn't smart enough to put padding in between them.  Oops!  When I picked up my backpack, the beer clinked together and I got a knowing look from my parents and a week's grounding.  Missed that party.

The time I went to see my boyfriend in Fort St. John.  I skipped school and caught the Greyhound there and spent the day hanging out with him.  I met his parents (who didn't seem to mind that he was skipping school), his mom introduced me to being an work-at-home Accountant (hmmmmm?), we had lunch with his dad, and did some shopping before I headed back home on the bus.  When I got home, I started walking toward my friends house, only to have my dad meet me half way there.  He had seen me in Fort St. John and I was about to come face to face with the consequences!

So I should feel guilty about these three things right?  But... nope.  NOTHING.  However, I got a great laugh out of them!  Maybe I don't feel bad because I think those are typical behaviors for a teenage girl (right?).  And hey, I had two older brothers who paved the way for me and trust me, they were WAY worse than I was.  After a good laugh with my mom, I chalked these up to funny memories and decided to continue my plan of writing the memories down as they came to me.

But then, last night, something amazing happened!  And the timing couldn't have been more perfect.  I am headed out of town for four nights so I asked the kids if they'd like to climb in and sleep with me last night.  Arielle, matter-of-factly, looked at me and said, "I really do mom, but every time we sleep with you, you complain about how much your shoulder hurts and it makes me feel really bad".  And I realized the "gift" that I am passing on to my children...  The "gift" of guilt.

This realization fuelled me more than ever!  I know I am headed toward a great journey in figuring out the cause of these feelings and, hopefully, coming to the point that I can sort through them and start living free of guilt.  I am determined to pass new and amazing gifts on to my children. <3

Rising Strong

I've been stewing over what to write for my next blog entry.   I feel like I'm writing about my unaccomplished goals rather than accomplished goals.  I teetered between not writing another blog entry until I actually banged one out, but then I reconsidered,  I thought... I'm just going to lay it on the line.  Be vulnerable.  Tell the truth.  Don't hide.

Two Sundays ago, my daughter broke out in a rash on her chin and her torso.  At first I thought it was a cold sore on her chin, but the rash on her body made no sense.  We weren't able to get in to see our own family doctor, so I took her to the walk-in clinic where she was given a quick "once-over" and a random prescription.  It got worse... so much worse.  She couldn't sleep and definitely couldn't go to school.

To compound matters, the following Wednesday morning I woke up and was barely able to swallow my own saliva.  My throat was swollen and I was vomiting.  I sent Nate off to school and headed to Emergency with Arielle.  Thank goodness for moms - mine met me there and, after seeing the doctor with me, took Arielle under her wing for the day.  Turns out I had a pretty bad throat infection.  I headed for the pharmacy to get my prescription and went home to sleep it off.

We spent that night and the next dealing with Arielle's infection.  You know how things always get worse at night?  Why is that?  Arielle was itching, raw, bleeding, stinging and sore.  We took her to emergency on Thursday night and saw an exceptional doctor who took a swab and sent it away for lab testing.  Thank goodness - we would get some answers.... but not until Monday.

In the mean time, we endured seven sleepless nights as we didn't get lab results until the following Thursday - 7 days later.  Between many, many moments of compassion and nurturing, my mothering skills were flawed.  I yelled, I cried, I even spanked.  I was vacillating heavily between being a nurturer and selfishly needing sleep to function.  I slept with my 58lb daughter lying on my chest... My back ached but at least we got a bit of sleep.

Also in the mean time, I had an ultrasound on the sore shoulder plaguing me for the last 12 months.  The results were disheartening... I have a complete tear of my rotator cuff and I will need surgery.  These results propelled me into a fit of anxiety.  Questions like "how will I work?", "how will the company function without me?", "what if they replace me?", "how will I be a mom when I cannot even lift a simple skate bag?", "how will I do this on my own while Matt works away for ten days at a time?".

My mental state sent me spiralling into a mini-depression.  I felt foggy and paralyzed.  I couldn't even complete simple tasks, like making a list of items to pack for Arielle's upcoming skating trip.  My house was in complete disarray.  My husband arrived home on Wednesday night, just in time for a very bad panic attack.  Thank God he was home to help me through that.

And then suddenly some really great things happened for me emotionally....

First, I was able to shift my focus to all the really great support I had in the last two weeks from my husband, family and friends.  My husband texted me, "You're such a good mom.  You work so hard for our kids!!".  My friend Autumn brought me homemade turkey soup.  My friend Michelle brought me a milkshake for my throat infection.  My friend Laurena made me a packing list for our skating trip.  My friend Karen checked on me constantly and gave me a huge hug the first time I saw her.  My Mom was there for me at every turn, helping out with the kids and checking in to see how Arielle was feeling.  I felt very loved and very supported.

Second, a quote from an audio book I'm listening to by Brene Brown, Rising Strong, hit home for me.  The original quote is by Theodore Roosevelt and the part that stuck with me was quoted in Brene Brown's book:  "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena...".  And I was face-down in the arena!  This quote inspired me to pick myself up and move forward.  And so I did.  That day I posted a photo of myself on Facebook accompanied by a statistic on mental illness.  The response I got from that post was overwhelmingly positive and uplifting.

Third, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Arielle got a diagnosis!  Turns out it was a very serious strep infection!  She was prescribed antibiotics and we could see a difference within a day!  She is currently on the mend and back to herself again!

Last but not least, I was desperate for some nurturing.  And at the end of Arielle's synchro trip, I arrived home to a perfectly tidy house, laundry done, dishes washed and put away, school lunches made, garbage taken out, and a huge hug from my husband.  I couldn't have been more relieved!

I slept 12 hours last night.  I am ready to start conquering again.  I haven't banged out the goals like I expected I would.  And now that I've written this entry, I'm really glad I did.  I think bumps in the road are inevitable and simply part of the journey.  However, I am now rested, uplifted, and READY.
I'm Rising Strong.