Really real.

It's about to get really real up in here.... hey, "perfect moms", you need to avert your eyes right NOW!

This post is in dedicated to my friend who recently found out that she can not have children.  And before I continue, let me say that I am, in no way, trying to make light of her situation.  I simply want to show her a reality that many parents don't reveal to others.  I want to get real with her. I want her to know that although I love my life and my kids, that sometimes I yearn for her life.  I think it's a fact of nature that she will be curious about my life the same way that I am curious about hers.  She will not experience what I do... but I will never experience adulthood the way she does.  I think we always wonder about what we cannot have.

The pretext (in other words, don't judge me okay?) to this is that I would fight to the death for my children.  I love them more than I thought I could love another human being.  Sometimes I love them so much it hurts.... But then there are the OTHER times.....  This is an excerpt (sort of) from an email that I wrote my friend when she received her news.  It's taken me months to have the courage to post this here.

For you, my dear friend....

The stark reality of having.... children.....

The fighting between my kids is INSANE!  As a parent, it's enough to drive you freaking crazy!  The other day I literally yelled at them, "Shut the Fuck Up!  SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.!"  No "mom of the year award here"...

After I had Arielle, I had postpartum depression.  I cried while rocking her, I cried while feeding her, I cried in my bedroom, my shower, and on really bad moments, I would curl up in my closet and cry.  When Arielle was about three months old, Matt came home from hockey to find me sitting on the stairs in our entry.  I left.  I told him, "I don't want this life.  I don't want you, I don't want them, and I don't want any of this.".  I came back, but I didn't want to.  I intended to go to a hotel because I was too mortified to go to my parents house or my best friends house.  But I forgot my wallet, so I had to go back.  When I got home, he was crying.  I knew I'd hurt him but I didn't really care.  Postpartum depression is an absolute bitch.  It can really fuck up your life.

I have not been out on a date with Matt in months.  We rarely get any time alone together.  We have to force time - it doesn't usually happen naturally.

Speaking of time.... Arielle slept with us for 9 years.  Imagine what that does to your sex life!  And honestly, my kids literally suck the energy out of me anyway.  My sex drive is the shits.  The last thing I want to do at the end of the day is give another person my energy.  Another thing that is sometimes forced...

My schedule goes like this:  Wake up... usually say (out loud), "FUCK.", get ready (I never do my hair because that would mean showering which would mean getting up 10 minutes earlier and I NEED those 10 minutes), get the kids dressed for school, sign permission slips, hot lunch orders, etc., pack their bags, leave for work, work, drive home, drive Arielle to skating (two hours EVERY day), take Nate to therapy or curling while Arielle is skating, watch some skating, pick Nate up, drive home, try to make something healthy for dinner (these days, I'll go for just making SOMETHING), get the kids showered and in bed, go to fucking bed because I'm so exhausted.  I don't have any time for myself.  I only socialize at the arena or if one of my lovely friends is so kind to come and visit me at my house.  In that case, they have to be a great friend because I look like shit, I'm in my jammies, and I haven't showered in days.  I consider myself really lucky to have those friends.

My kids are absolute pigs.  Arielle's room is a disaster ALL. THE. TIME.  She actually had the nerve to ask my mom to clean her room.  So... not only is she a pig, but she is also spoiled.  Nate has three weeks worth of dishes upstairs or in his room at any given time.  There is rotten milk in several of those dishes.  When I ask them to clean up, they tell me they hate me and that I'm mean.

When you have kids and you go on vacation, it's all about them.  I would LOVE to spend on entire day on the beach or next to the pool just reading a book.  But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... they want you to fucking play with them.  I hate playing.  I have no idea what one doll says to another and I hate the money sucking pit of Pokemon cards.  No, Nate, I don't want to play Pokemon.  *insert eye roll here*

You have never experienced guilt like "mom guilt".  I feel guilty all of the time.  When I don't play with Arielle, I feel like shit.  When I yell, I feel like shit.  When I tune out as Nate tells me about his Pokemon "catches", I feel like shit.  When I ask for help, I feel like shit.  When Arielle doesn't get 10/10 on her spelling test, I feel like shit.  When Nate doesn't make eye contact with someone, I feel like shit.  Get the idea?  You ALWAYS feel guilty as a mom.

When you have kids, your marriage is tested beyond your imagination.  Suddenly you have these two pasts with two different parenting styles and backgrounds that have to come together and figure this shit out.  I tend to be an enabler and Matt tends to be really strict.  Too easy and too strict have yet to meet in the middle.  And we're over half way through it!

Who I am friends with largely depends on who is willing to put up with my kids, specifically Nate.  Needless to say, we have very few close friends.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  But, I have drifted apart from some friends who were once dear to me because they don't get it.

Kids are money suckers and energy suckers.  We would have a lot more money if we didn't have to pay for sports, therapy, school supplies, school clothes, toys, extra plane tickets, and most recently.... a horse.

Other moms are sometimes awful.  There are judgey moms, cliquey moms, bullying moms, and condescending moms.  There are PAC meetings, boards of directors, this committee, that committee... all things that you SHOULD be a part of.  And all these moms mixed together is nothing more than a big shit show!

And lastly.... I love my kids, but sometimes I don't like them.  And sometimes I don't like me when I am with them.  We are all unique individuals and I firmly believe that they are born with this raging little personality just ready to explode!  And when they do, we really pay the price....


So......now that I've put all of that out there, I want to reiterate that I wouldn't change a single thing about my life.  I love my children more than anything.  But, what I wanted my friend to know is that it's not all peachy keen over here.  It's fucking hard.  And sometimes I look at her life and wish that I could be doing the things that she is doing.  I yearn for the freedom that childless people have - I sometimes imagine how different our lives would be.  It matters not what path you've gone down, you will still yearn for the "other life" sometimes.  And my advice in these moments is this:  Simply choose happiness and gratitude.

The Cocoon

Matt and I have begun heavily weighing Nate's options for grade 8.  We are starting early because this is a huge decision for us as the effect it will have on Nate could be profound.  This decision is one that I welcome insight to, so please feel free to share your thoughts with me.  I will not accept judgement though... because until you have walked in my shoes and seen the battles I have faced beyond closed doors, I do not feel that anyone has the right to judge our decisions.

Nate is currently in Grade 6... we are coming to the end of another wonderful year at Devereaux Elementary, where Nate has had the privilege of working with the BEST of the BEST.  The staff at this school have gone above and beyond for Nate and, I believe, they truly care for him and his well being.  The most important move we've ever made for Nate's emotional health was to this small, rural school.  There are so many reasons why this is true.... I cannot summarize them all in this blog, but it may tend to be lengthy, so bear with me.

To give you quick picture of his transformation, I will say this:  Nate was ignored, bullied, mistreated by a teacher, blended into the background, "checked out" of learning, and his diagnosis was denied by those involved with him.  He wasn't given time or attention.  He had no friends.  He was simply just "there".  He was depressed, speaking of taking his own life, and living under a veil of doom and anxiety.

Most of that has changed... The staff at Devereaux took the time to know him.  I would even go one step further and say that they love him.  They have established special programs and adaptations for Nate.  His social skills have bloomed - he has friends, both boys and girls!  And although he still struggles with learning, he feels safe when he goes to school.  I would go as far as saying that Nate is happy, about 80% of the time.  He still has his ups and downs and emotional struggles, but the support he receives has made him able to bounce back more quickly from his low times.  He doesn't remain sad for long and has received a ton of support in navigating conflict.  He looks mostly "normal" from the outside.

Particularly relevant to Nate's success...  the kids out here are different.  I can say that, having seen and experienced both.  The experience we have had with the rural kids that attend Devereaux is that they are more compassionate and accepting.  They are all equals and have always treated Nate as one of their own.  I have a deep respect for these children, their parents, and the staff at Devereaux as a combination of these individuals has made the culture at this school what it is.

So, how can all of this positive change lead to a struggle with this decision we are facing?

Nate has been in a cocoon of sorts.  He has been loved and protected fiercely by the staff, his friends, and, of course, his parents.  I do not believe he will receive the same tender affection at the middle school, comprised of 100's of students.  Some of the same students who bullied him.  The same students that circled him and took turns pushing him down.  The same students that told him they would find our home and burn it down... that they would kill his family.  The students that had him up night after night in trauma because he believed it would never end and it would be "his fault".

Which brings to me to the fact that at some point in our lives, we all experience such adversity.  I did.  Not to the degree at which Nate experienced it, but to a degree that makes my heart ache when I think about it today.

I know that some would argue that this adversity is part of life.  And we have to learn to deal with these conflicts so we can handle them in the real world, when we become adults.  However, my internal thought struggle makes me wonder....

That time when I showed up to school to find my face drawn on the chalkboard with the words, "Terri, the Joker" written underneath it.  And while everyone in the class laughed at my shocked expression, I cried in the girls washroom because I had no idea what I had done to deserve this.  Did that make me a better person?

That time that the cool girls, once my "friends", excluded me from dates at a friend's trampoline and numerous bike rides.  And as if the exclusion weren't enough, they rode back and forth in front of my house until I asked if I could come along to which they blatantly turned me down.  And I agonized over who was I going to eat lunch with the next day and whether tomorrow might be the day they would befriend me again.  Did that experience help me navigate friendships in the real world?

When my "best friend" decided that he didn't like me anymore and stopped speaking to me until we were adults... for a reason I still don't know or understand.  And this came at a time when I needed him most... because my heart was broken and I was struggling with dark thoughts and secretly cutting myself because I was in so much pain.  Is the fact that I remember this so vividly that I am shedding tears as I write helping me in any way as an adult in my late thirties?

I believe that the answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO.  I have always been sensitive and compassionate.  This can be attributed to a combination of my DNA and the way I was raised.  My mom taught me to fight for the underdog.  These situations brought me nothing but sadness.

So, based on my own heartbreaks and the heartbreaks that I know every teenager faces, how can I consider sending my son to a place with the bullies that he still speaks of by name?  To a place that he already asks about with fear and anxiety?  The place where my heart, and the hearts of so many others, were repeatedly shattered.

There are alternatives, of course.

We could register him in a private school where he will start all over again.... trying to know other children and make friends again.  And will he have the social and emotional support here to guide him through the obstacles that he is bound to face?  Will he, perhaps, face the same struggles or worse at a private school?  Of course, there are no guarantees...

Or, do we consider home schooling him?  Where he will likely NOT experience these types of stresses.  We are committed enough to ensure that he maintains his current friendships, however, he will be missing times of adversity and lessons to be learned from those times.  Are we keeping him in that cocoon to his detriment?  And is this even financially possible for us?

So, you see.... we struggle with a decision that I agonize over daily.  Every time my head hits the pillow.  Every time I speak to a professional that Nate works with.  Every time I look at his sweet face and remember the times that he cried in terror at night....  And I have absolutely NO IDEA what is going to help me make this decision, other than talking to people with insight.  People who care.  Maybe you, too, are agonizing over this decision?  Or maybe you have already had to make a similar decision?  The only thing that is certain at this point, is that we will do the best we can.