Let's Talk

Today is a significant day for those suffering from mental health issues.  Bell will donate $0.05 per use of the hashtag #BellLetsTalk.  I feel grateful that people are talking about mental health and, as such, thought it would be fitting to show some gratitude in honor of today.

Thank you....

Thank you to my parents who struggled through a pre-teen child with a completely irrational fear of death.  Thank you for enduring the sleepless nights and endless tears, for taking me to the hospital many, many times for many, many "symptoms" that were all in my head, for praising me when I finally made it through a night in my own bed, and for recognizing my fear and not minimizing what I was going through.

Thank you to God, who showed up for me in grade 9 when my friend passed away and I felt a wave of security pass through me and I knew, without a doubt, that my friend was in a good place.  And suddenly, my irrational fear of death was gone.

Thank you to my brother and his incredible wife for introducing me to the concept of depression and educating me on what people go through when they have a mental illness.  For showing me that I was wrong in my belief that people were "lazy" and they should simply take control of their lives and just "do something about it".  Thank you for not treating me like an ignorant fool when you easily could have.

Thank you to Shalom for cleaning up after me after I threw a movie at Carl because I could not control my rage and, instead, blamed Carl for everything that infuriated me.  Thank you, Carl, for being the brother you are.  I love you.


 

Thank you to my incredible friends and family who have stood by me through some ugly times.  To those who didn't scoff at me or pass my depression off as something I could control, you have no idea how much this means to me.  For me, being scoffed at or minimized is one of the most difficult behaviours I've had to endure because it makes me feel shame.  So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.





Thank you to the sweetest teenager who hugged me tight when I returned to coaching volleyball after a miscarriage that sent me deep into the throes of depression.  I think of this moment often, Kristen, and remember how mature you were at age 15 and I hope you know how much that moment meant to me.  I will remember it for a lifetime.

Thank you to my husband who stood strong the night I decided I did not want this life.  The night that my newborn Arielle would not stop crying, Nate was going through a bout of night terrors, and I decided that I simply could not do this life anymore.  And I left you crying on the stairs of our front entry.  Thank you for being there when I got home.

Thank you to the people in my life who I can say anything to without fear of judgement.  From, "I can't watch the news" to "I quit drinking"... and you simply respond with acceptance.  I also thank these people for laughing with me when I talk about the way I obsessively count, send you an "apology" text, and make jokes about being crazy.  I think it's good to laugh about these things sometimes and I'm grateful that I have people who will laugh alongside me.

Thank you to my mom who has taught me that it's okay to talk about depression and anxiety and that we should be real and vulnerable because you just never know who needs to hear it.  Thank you, mom, for preparing me for the changes that are to come and for the comfort of knowing you will be here to help me through it.

Thank you, my husband, for enduring the many items thrown at you in my fits of rage.  From the keys that stuck in the wall next to your head to the plate of spaghetti that smashed all over the kitchen cupboards, counter, and floor.  And to my mom who walked in at the very moment when I fell to the floor sobbing and simply looked at me with compassion and cleaned up without saying a word.

Thank you to my doctor who explained to me that depression is not always "the blues".  That anxiety, excessive worry, irrationality, insomnia, and rage are also forms of depression.  And thank you, more than you can imagine, Doc Ashwell, for seeing that I needed a prescription and making that happen for me.  My life is forever changed because of you.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to recognize these tendencies in others and offer them grace.

Thank you to my best friend Michelle who has never faltered, who has always loved me in spite of my crazy, and who has seen me at my ugliest.  You are so incredible for standing by my side all these years, despite my many changes, my ups and downs, my absences, my controlling nature, and my worrying.  You are a strength that I know I can always count on.




Most of all, thank you, Matt.  Matty, you have stood by me through thick and thin.  You never allowed me to leave you when I thought you deserved so much more than me.  You endured some tough times with me when a typical man would have left.  You stepped up with parenting, respected my needs, and committed 100% to me and our life.  I know it hasn't been easy for you.  I'd like to think that the last five years have been our best and it will only get better from here, my love.

And finally, thank you to anyone who has read my blog or facebook posts and reached out to me to tell me that you, too, have experienced feelings like these and that I have touched you in some way.  You are the reason I write.

#BellLetsTalk

Reintroducing.... ME

I've taken a bit of a blogging hiatus since last fall.  I was trying to figure out if there was a purpose to this blog and, if so, what it was.  And I've decided that the purpose is just therapeutic.  I've decided that it's okay if it's nothing more than that.  So this year will just be randomness, no point, no goals, just reality.  And I thank you for reading my ramblings regardless.  So much love to you!  <3

I have decided that 2017 is going to be a HUGE year for self-growth for me.  Today I want to introduce you who I am.  And then, a year from now, I will introduce you again.  And hope for growth.  A lot of it.  Because 2017 is going to be about me.  It's been a long time since I took care of myself.  18 months to be exact.

So, here I am.... eeeeeek, this is scary.

The facts.... I'm Terri, wife to Matt and mom to Nate and Arielle.  I'm a Chartered Professional Accountant by trade.  I'm also the proud business owner of my Rodan + Fields virtual franchise and my own little brand new business, Tiny Town Tax Services.  I work.  I cart my kids around to sports and appointments.  I cook (sometimes).  I watch the odd TV show.  I love to read.  I have poor eating habits and I have body image issues because of it.  I am TIGHT with my extended family (lucky me!).  My life is crazy and exhausting and too much for me to handle most times.  I dread Monday mornings.  But I love weekends with my family.

Here's what you might not know.... and this is the HARD part....

I struggle with mental illness (see previous blogs) and since last March, my struggle has been dark.  I've spent many weekends alone, sitting in my chair at home, struggling in silence.  I spent weekends camping with friends and family where I could not bring myself to leave my motorhome.  There are mornings that I can barely get out of bed knowing I have to function in the real world.  I don't want anyone to see this... yet I need compassion and love during these dark times.  Catch-22.

I am an outgoing introvert.  Everyone I tell this to says, "no you aren't, you're one of the most extroverted people I know!".  But it's not true.  I'm outgoing, meaning I'm not shy.  I will talk to anyone.  I will say anything I feel like saying and I'm not afraid.  But I do not take energy from people... Despite the fact that I truly enjoy people, at the end of the day, interactions with people have actually completely drained me.  I need to be alone in the calm and silence in order to recover.  It's tough to find calm and silence when you have kids.  Sometimes I don't recover and it's really, really hard for me to face the next day.

I worry constantly.  I cannot shut my brain off.  I worry that I may have somehow offended you in a conversation.  I worry that I haven't met your expectations.  I worry that I am not working hard enough.  I have a ton of guilt.  Guilt.  All the time.  I'm not a good enough wife.  Mom.  Friend.  Pet owner.  Daughter.  Sister.  Daughter-in-law.  Ugh.  And the wheels. just. turn. constantly.

I've recently figured out the kind of people I love to be around.  It might sound silly, but my whole life I greatly desired to be "in" with the "cool kids".  You know the lyrics "I wish that I could be like the cool kids".... they're about me.  Up until a couple of years ago, that was still me.  And, I guess, it sometimes still is.  When I see an friend on Facebook with the cool girls, I have a serious pang of jealousy.  Yet, when I think about it realistically, it's the last place I'd want to be because....

.....I truly think some of those people are toxic.  AND, I've made an effort to NOT be in the presence of toxic people (and by toxic I mean toxic to ME).  But even if I don't especially like you, I still want you to like me.  Woah....

On the friendship note, I am damn lucky to have had one of the most amazing and supportive best friends for my entire adult life.  She just simply accepts me - my craziness, my demanding nature, my life as it is, and I am blessed to have a friend like this.  We often talk about it and simply note that not many people have a friendship like this one.  It's exceptional.  On top of that, I have found three other friends who just get me.  They completely love and accept me for who I am and I absolutely adore them.  These friends and many amazing acquaintances lift me up in their presence.  You know who you are, my people.  <3

I am completely obsessed with personal development.  I am on the lookout for new and exciting ways to become complete.  And if the bank account would allow it, I would be attending these every chance I get.  I usually need to pick one.  And several books to compliment it.  I love it.  I think it might be an addiction.

Because of my obsession with personal development, I have transformed somewhat into a vulnerable person.  I put myself "out there" more often than not.  Because of that, I get hurt.  Easily.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I won't let it stop me from being brave and showing you who I am.  And then hoping silently that you like what you see.  (*Alert... room for improvement here*)

I think I am letting my son down... every minute of every day.  Maybe it's in letting him have too much technology.  Or enabling him.  Or overprotecting him.  Whatever it is, I'm not doing enough, or I'm doing too much.  It breaks my heart.

My daughter and I have a very intense relationship.  We struggle with power every single day.  She is a powerful little thing, let me tell you, for a nine year old.  Who's the mom here anyway?  I worry about our relationship and the coming years.  Because, as much as I deeply LOVE her, quite frankly, sometimes I don't like her that much.  Sometimes I dread the moment that she wakes up in the morning for fear of her mood.  And after I feel that way, I feel guilty.  Circle back.

I worry sick about my husband's relationship with our children.  Because I worry so much, I tend to interject.  A LOT.  It makes him feel like shit and I get that.  On the other hand, he lacks compassion and empathy, which I have.  Plus, as I mentioned above, I tend to enable.  We need to meet in the middle, but never really have when it comes to parenting.  He is hard-core as shit and it's a struggle in our marriage.  We know it.  We recognize it.  And we work on it all the time.

I have a better understanding now more than ever of my marriage.  I've finally come to realize that marriage is a freaking crazy roller coaster.  Right now, we are in a dip.  But that's okay because I know we are going back up again.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm not standing with one foot out the door (anymore).  And if you want to read a GREAT article on marriage, check this one out!  I could see Matt and I in every single paragraph.  I'm happy with that.  We're going to make it.

http://www.businessinsider.com/i-polled-1500-people-about-their-best-relationship-advice-and-the-same-themes-came-up-over-and-over-2016-12
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Introducing me.  Now.  January 2017.

For the record, I don't want to change who I am.  I love who I am.  I actually love myself.  For real.  I just want to grow.  Here's to 2017... a year of personal growth!