Let's Talk

Today is a significant day for those suffering from mental health issues.  Bell will donate $0.05 per use of the hashtag #BellLetsTalk.  I feel grateful that people are talking about mental health and, as such, thought it would be fitting to show some gratitude in honor of today.

Thank you....

Thank you to my parents who struggled through a pre-teen child with a completely irrational fear of death.  Thank you for enduring the sleepless nights and endless tears, for taking me to the hospital many, many times for many, many "symptoms" that were all in my head, for praising me when I finally made it through a night in my own bed, and for recognizing my fear and not minimizing what I was going through.

Thank you to God, who showed up for me in grade 9 when my friend passed away and I felt a wave of security pass through me and I knew, without a doubt, that my friend was in a good place.  And suddenly, my irrational fear of death was gone.

Thank you to my brother and his incredible wife for introducing me to the concept of depression and educating me on what people go through when they have a mental illness.  For showing me that I was wrong in my belief that people were "lazy" and they should simply take control of their lives and just "do something about it".  Thank you for not treating me like an ignorant fool when you easily could have.

Thank you to Shalom for cleaning up after me after I threw a movie at Carl because I could not control my rage and, instead, blamed Carl for everything that infuriated me.  Thank you, Carl, for being the brother you are.  I love you.


 

Thank you to my incredible friends and family who have stood by me through some ugly times.  To those who didn't scoff at me or pass my depression off as something I could control, you have no idea how much this means to me.  For me, being scoffed at or minimized is one of the most difficult behaviours I've had to endure because it makes me feel shame.  So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.





Thank you to the sweetest teenager who hugged me tight when I returned to coaching volleyball after a miscarriage that sent me deep into the throes of depression.  I think of this moment often, Kristen, and remember how mature you were at age 15 and I hope you know how much that moment meant to me.  I will remember it for a lifetime.

Thank you to my husband who stood strong the night I decided I did not want this life.  The night that my newborn Arielle would not stop crying, Nate was going through a bout of night terrors, and I decided that I simply could not do this life anymore.  And I left you crying on the stairs of our front entry.  Thank you for being there when I got home.

Thank you to the people in my life who I can say anything to without fear of judgement.  From, "I can't watch the news" to "I quit drinking"... and you simply respond with acceptance.  I also thank these people for laughing with me when I talk about the way I obsessively count, send you an "apology" text, and make jokes about being crazy.  I think it's good to laugh about these things sometimes and I'm grateful that I have people who will laugh alongside me.

Thank you to my mom who has taught me that it's okay to talk about depression and anxiety and that we should be real and vulnerable because you just never know who needs to hear it.  Thank you, mom, for preparing me for the changes that are to come and for the comfort of knowing you will be here to help me through it.

Thank you, my husband, for enduring the many items thrown at you in my fits of rage.  From the keys that stuck in the wall next to your head to the plate of spaghetti that smashed all over the kitchen cupboards, counter, and floor.  And to my mom who walked in at the very moment when I fell to the floor sobbing and simply looked at me with compassion and cleaned up without saying a word.

Thank you to my doctor who explained to me that depression is not always "the blues".  That anxiety, excessive worry, irrationality, insomnia, and rage are also forms of depression.  And thank you, more than you can imagine, Doc Ashwell, for seeing that I needed a prescription and making that happen for me.  My life is forever changed because of you.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to recognize these tendencies in others and offer them grace.

Thank you to my best friend Michelle who has never faltered, who has always loved me in spite of my crazy, and who has seen me at my ugliest.  You are so incredible for standing by my side all these years, despite my many changes, my ups and downs, my absences, my controlling nature, and my worrying.  You are a strength that I know I can always count on.




Most of all, thank you, Matt.  Matty, you have stood by me through thick and thin.  You never allowed me to leave you when I thought you deserved so much more than me.  You endured some tough times with me when a typical man would have left.  You stepped up with parenting, respected my needs, and committed 100% to me and our life.  I know it hasn't been easy for you.  I'd like to think that the last five years have been our best and it will only get better from here, my love.

And finally, thank you to anyone who has read my blog or facebook posts and reached out to me to tell me that you, too, have experienced feelings like these and that I have touched you in some way.  You are the reason I write.

#BellLetsTalk