Lucky 13

On this day, thirteen years ago, I married the man I married.

I knew I loved him.  And after a month of dating, I knew that I would marry him.  He was kind, gentle, generous, loving and compassionate.  He was everything I knew I needed.  But I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

When I married Matt, I wanted the most beautiful wedding.  I didn't give much thought to making the most beautiful marriage.  I thought it was simple - you loved him, you married him, and you would be happy for the rest of your lives.  I thought that marriage was lived on one blissful level.  I was in for a shock.

There are so many things I could say about those first years of marriage.  They were tumultuous, to say the least.  I struggled with unmet expectations.... I expected a lot - a perfectly clean house, a hard-working, money-earning husband that would take care of me, financial stability, an abundant sex life, and, most detrimentally, perfect happiness.  When my expectations weren't met, I was shocked.  I wanted to escape my marriage and I threatened to leave my husband.  I was not prepared for the reality that in a real relationship there are ups and downs.  I lived with one foot out the door.

I look back on those years of our relationship and see how much I hurt Matt and my heart breaks.  He was a rock - never wavering, always committed to me and our marriage.  I always loved him, but I was so afraid of being hurt that when my expectations weren't met, I wanted to run.  I wish that I had been prepared for the realities of marriage.  The reality that sometimes you live in the clouds but other times you are drowning and just cannot find the surface to save your life.  I used to keep these facts hidden.  I was embarrassed because I thought we were the only ones who lived like this... but we weren't and we aren't.  I have so many friends who have what I like to call "solid marriages" and their marriages also waiver between heaven and hell and somewhere in between.

Matt and I finally went to an amazing counselor.  She was warm, friendly, loving, and I knew from the minute I met her that she would help us.  She didn't care about analyzing our pasts, but rather giving us tools to get through the times when we were drowning.  It was her help that finally made me realize that I had never truly committed to my husband.  Because of her, I finally gave him my full commitment - that I would never leave him under any circumstance.  The commitment that I should have given him on the day we married was finally made.  And it wasn't just lip service.  I soul searched, I weighed the pros and cons of our marriage, I considered the fact that we had children and what it would do to them if I didn't make this commitment, and I came to a decision that I loved this man enough to do whatever it would take to make our marriage work under any circumstances.  It wasn't enough that I loved him.  I needed to quit living with one foot out the door.

It was our commitment that got us through my fight with anxiety and depression, Matt's struggle with addiction, parenting a child with autism, parenting a "strong-willed" child, a move to a new community and school, building a new home, lost friendships along the way, living apart for Matt's work, and many, many more struggles that we have faced.

If not for our commitment, we would not have seen the joy of the last several years.  The trips we have taken with our children, the camping, the simple mornings drinking coffee together, the birthday parties, the family gatherings, our anniversary trip to New York, our "date nights", Christmas mornings, and all of the simple moments in between.  In these years, despite their ups and downs, we have been the most happy we've ever been and we have loved a lifetimes worth.  Matt is the one person on this earth that I trust with my whole heart.

We still have our ups and downs.  Some moments we are living in perfect joy and I look at this man and feel more love than I could have thought possible.  In other moments we are struggling and I can't quite put my finger on why... all I know is that I have to fight through it because it WILL come around again.  And then, just like that, we are blissful again and my heart is full.

So, today I want to wish a Happy Anniversary to to the man I married thirteen years ago.  The one I commit to every day.  The one I have always loved.  And thank you, Matty, for persevering through my struggles and for the happiness you've brought me.  I am thankful every day for you.

My dad, My hero

A tribute to my dad on Father's Day.

In my eyes, my dad is the greatest man on earth.  He's atypical, I think.  Little things.... like he organizes my mom's pantry (think Sleeping with the Enemy without the creepiness), he washes walls and cleans baseboards, he loves to garden, he is a jack of all trades, he's remarkably friendly... for an introvert, he's incredible with money, he rode a motorcycle and drove a big truck, he came from nothing and gave us everything.

And then there are the more classic traits.... He LOVES his job and the kids on his bus route.... in fact, I'm not sure he'll ever retire until they force him to.  He adores animals... more than humans, I think.  He is the hardest worker I know - he will literally work from dawn until dusk without batting an eye... and the kicker?  He loves every second of it.  He's devoted, committed, and loyal.  He's a great hugger.  Kids love him.  He has a bond with my daughter that I am in awe of.  I watch them together and my heart swells.

 He taught me to hunt, fish, and camp.  He taught me to drive, get a bank loan, and write a cheque.  He taught me how to wash my car, check my oil, and change a tire.  He always told me, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right".

My dad taught me the value of hard-work.  I can remember him saying, "I knew you could do it".  He told me that so many times over my child-hood that I couldn't help but believe I could do anything.  He would say, "there was never any doubt".  If you wanted a believer, it was my dad!

My dad is not perfect, but he has always been my hero.

In October 2014, my dad had open heart surgery to repair two valves that were damaged by childhood illness.  This surgery permanently changed him and he battled to regain who he was before the surgery.  The vibrant, hard-working man that once dominated his own life, was gone.  My dad struggled to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning.  In so many more ways, he fought to get his life back, but physically and emotionally could not quite get there.


And then came the proposal from my Auntie Jackie to hike the Appalachian Trail.  After weighing the decision and support from the family, he jumped on board.  And everything was re-newed.  He began to shop for gear and hike on the weekends.  He gradually increased his stamina and could hike farther distances and more difficult terrain.  He got excited and had something to look forward to.

On April 29th, my dad left Canada on his journey.  He spent three days in Seattle preparing re-supply boxes and food for the trail.  He then left for Georgia to begin his 300 mile, six-week trek.  On May 3rd, my dad starting hiking the most beautiful terrain he has ever seen.  He experienced and reconnected with nature... he was like a kid in a candy store!  However, two days later he discovered that his new body was not equipped to hike the intense elevations and territory that he would be required to cover.  Heartbroken, he left the trail and came home.

My dad worried about telling people that he had to come home - that he couldn't physically handle the hike.  He worried about the money he'd spent on what he considered an unsuccessful journey.  As much as I'd love for him to understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of, I'm not sure he will ever see it that way.

As his daughter, I have never been more proud.  I watched him regain his motivation to experience something new and his passion for the outdoors.  I watched him look forward to something.  I watched his physical stamina improve.  I watched him open up to another individual in a way I'm not sure he ever has.  I watched him be vulnerable.  And most importantly, I watched him fight back from his illness.

So today I pay tribute to the man who gave me high expectations.... who made me a believer in myself, taught me to be strong, to work hard, and to battle through tough times.  To my dad, the man who showed me what a husband and father should be and to accept no less than what I deserve.

My dad has always been my biggest fan and now I am his.