Lucky 13

On this day, thirteen years ago, I married the man I married.

I knew I loved him.  And after a month of dating, I knew that I would marry him.  He was kind, gentle, generous, loving and compassionate.  He was everything I knew I needed.  But I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

When I married Matt, I wanted the most beautiful wedding.  I didn't give much thought to making the most beautiful marriage.  I thought it was simple - you loved him, you married him, and you would be happy for the rest of your lives.  I thought that marriage was lived on one blissful level.  I was in for a shock.

There are so many things I could say about those first years of marriage.  They were tumultuous, to say the least.  I struggled with unmet expectations.... I expected a lot - a perfectly clean house, a hard-working, money-earning husband that would take care of me, financial stability, an abundant sex life, and, most detrimentally, perfect happiness.  When my expectations weren't met, I was shocked.  I wanted to escape my marriage and I threatened to leave my husband.  I was not prepared for the reality that in a real relationship there are ups and downs.  I lived with one foot out the door.

I look back on those years of our relationship and see how much I hurt Matt and my heart breaks.  He was a rock - never wavering, always committed to me and our marriage.  I always loved him, but I was so afraid of being hurt that when my expectations weren't met, I wanted to run.  I wish that I had been prepared for the realities of marriage.  The reality that sometimes you live in the clouds but other times you are drowning and just cannot find the surface to save your life.  I used to keep these facts hidden.  I was embarrassed because I thought we were the only ones who lived like this... but we weren't and we aren't.  I have so many friends who have what I like to call "solid marriages" and their marriages also waiver between heaven and hell and somewhere in between.

Matt and I finally went to an amazing counselor.  She was warm, friendly, loving, and I knew from the minute I met her that she would help us.  She didn't care about analyzing our pasts, but rather giving us tools to get through the times when we were drowning.  It was her help that finally made me realize that I had never truly committed to my husband.  Because of her, I finally gave him my full commitment - that I would never leave him under any circumstance.  The commitment that I should have given him on the day we married was finally made.  And it wasn't just lip service.  I soul searched, I weighed the pros and cons of our marriage, I considered the fact that we had children and what it would do to them if I didn't make this commitment, and I came to a decision that I loved this man enough to do whatever it would take to make our marriage work under any circumstances.  It wasn't enough that I loved him.  I needed to quit living with one foot out the door.

It was our commitment that got us through my fight with anxiety and depression, Matt's struggle with addiction, parenting a child with autism, parenting a "strong-willed" child, a move to a new community and school, building a new home, lost friendships along the way, living apart for Matt's work, and many, many more struggles that we have faced.

If not for our commitment, we would not have seen the joy of the last several years.  The trips we have taken with our children, the camping, the simple mornings drinking coffee together, the birthday parties, the family gatherings, our anniversary trip to New York, our "date nights", Christmas mornings, and all of the simple moments in between.  In these years, despite their ups and downs, we have been the most happy we've ever been and we have loved a lifetimes worth.  Matt is the one person on this earth that I trust with my whole heart.

We still have our ups and downs.  Some moments we are living in perfect joy and I look at this man and feel more love than I could have thought possible.  In other moments we are struggling and I can't quite put my finger on why... all I know is that I have to fight through it because it WILL come around again.  And then, just like that, we are blissful again and my heart is full.

So, today I want to wish a Happy Anniversary to to the man I married thirteen years ago.  The one I commit to every day.  The one I have always loved.  And thank you, Matty, for persevering through my struggles and for the happiness you've brought me.  I am thankful every day for you.