This post is in dedicated to my friend who recently found out that she can not have children. And before I continue, let me say that I am, in no way, trying to make light of her situation. I simply want to show her a reality that many parents don't reveal to others. I want to get real with her. I want her to know that although I love my life and my kids, that sometimes I yearn for her life. I think it's a fact of nature that she will be curious about my life the same way that I am curious about hers. She will not experience what I do... but I will never experience adulthood the way she does. I think we always wonder about what we cannot have.
The pretext (in other words, don't judge me okay?) to this is that I would fight to the death for my children. I love them more than I thought I could love another human being. Sometimes I love them so much it hurts.... But then there are the OTHER times..... This is an excerpt (sort of) from an email that I wrote my friend when she received her news. It's taken me months to have the courage to post this here.
For you, my dear friend....
The stark reality of having.... children.....
The fighting between my kids is INSANE! As a parent, it's enough to drive you freaking crazy! The other day I literally yelled at them, "Shut the Fuck Up! SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.!" No "mom of the year award here"...
After I had Arielle, I had postpartum depression. I cried while rocking her, I cried while feeding her, I cried in my bedroom, my shower, and on really bad moments, I would curl up in my closet and cry. When Arielle was about three months old, Matt came home from hockey to find me sitting on the stairs in our entry. I left. I told him, "I don't want this life. I don't want you, I don't want them, and I don't want any of this.". I came back, but I didn't want to. I intended to go to a hotel because I was too mortified to go to my parents house or my best friends house. But I forgot my wallet, so I had to go back. When I got home, he was crying. I knew I'd hurt him but I didn't really care. Postpartum depression is an absolute bitch. It can really fuck up your life.
I have not been out on a date with Matt in months. We rarely get any time alone together. We have to force time - it doesn't usually happen naturally.
Speaking of time.... Arielle slept with us for 9 years. Imagine what that does to your sex life! And honestly, my kids literally suck the energy out of me anyway. My sex drive is the shits. The last thing I want to do at the end of the day is give another person my energy. Another thing that is sometimes forced...
My schedule goes like this: Wake up... usually say (out loud), "FUCK.", get ready (I never do my hair because that would mean showering which would mean getting up 10 minutes earlier and I NEED those 10 minutes), get the kids dressed for school, sign permission slips, hot lunch orders, etc., pack their bags, leave for work, work, drive home, drive Arielle to skating (two hours EVERY day), take Nate to therapy or curling while Arielle is skating, watch some skating, pick Nate up, drive home, try to make something healthy for dinner (these days, I'll go for just making SOMETHING), get the kids showered and in bed, go to fucking bed because I'm so exhausted. I don't have any time for myself. I only socialize at the arena or if one of my lovely friends is so kind to come and visit me at my house. In that case, they have to be a great friend because I look like shit, I'm in my jammies, and I haven't showered in days. I consider myself really lucky to have those friends.
My kids are absolute pigs. Arielle's room is a disaster ALL. THE. TIME. She actually had the nerve to ask my mom to clean her room. So... not only is she a pig, but she is also spoiled. Nate has three weeks worth of dishes upstairs or in his room at any given time. There is rotten milk in several of those dishes. When I ask them to clean up, they tell me they hate me and that I'm mean.
When you have kids and you go on vacation, it's all about them. I would LOVE to spend on entire day on the beach or next to the pool just reading a book. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... they want you to fucking play with them. I hate playing. I have no idea what one doll says to another and I hate the money sucking pit of Pokemon cards. No, Nate, I don't want to play Pokemon. *insert eye roll here*
You have never experienced guilt like "mom guilt". I feel guilty all of the time. When I don't play with Arielle, I feel like shit. When I yell, I feel like shit. When I tune out as Nate tells me about his Pokemon "catches", I feel like shit. When I ask for help, I feel like shit. When Arielle doesn't get 10/10 on her spelling test, I feel like shit. When Nate doesn't make eye contact with someone, I feel like shit. Get the idea? You ALWAYS feel guilty as a mom.
When you have kids, your marriage is tested beyond your imagination. Suddenly you have these two pasts with two different parenting styles and backgrounds that have to come together and figure this shit out. I tend to be an enabler and Matt tends to be really strict. Too easy and too strict have yet to meet in the middle. And we're over half way through it!
Who I am friends with largely depends on who is willing to put up with my kids, specifically Nate. Needless to say, we have very few close friends. I'm okay with that, I guess. But, I have drifted apart from some friends who were once dear to me because they don't get it.
Kids are money suckers and energy suckers. We would have a lot more money if we didn't have to pay for sports, therapy, school supplies, school clothes, toys, extra plane tickets, and most recently.... a horse.
Other moms are sometimes awful. There are judgey moms, cliquey moms, bullying moms, and condescending moms. There are PAC meetings, boards of directors, this committee, that committee... all things that you SHOULD be a part of. And all these moms mixed together is nothing more than a big shit show!
And lastly.... I love my kids, but sometimes I don't like them. And sometimes I don't like me when I am with them. We are all unique individuals and I firmly believe that they are born with this raging little personality just ready to explode! And when they do, we really pay the price....
So......now that I've put all of that out there, I want to reiterate that I wouldn't change a single thing about my life. I love my children more than anything. But, what I wanted my friend to know is that it's not all peachy keen over here. It's fucking hard. And sometimes I look at her life and wish that I could be doing the things that she is doing. I yearn for the freedom that childless people have - I sometimes imagine how different our lives would be. It matters not what path you've gone down, you will still yearn for the "other life" sometimes. And my advice in these moments is this: Simply choose happiness and gratitude.
No comments:
Post a Comment