I've been stewing over what to write for my next blog entry. I feel like I'm writing about my unaccomplished goals rather than accomplished goals. I teetered between not writing another blog entry until I actually banged one out, but then I reconsidered, I thought... I'm just going to lay it on the line. Be vulnerable. Tell the truth. Don't hide.
Two Sundays ago, my daughter broke out in a rash on her chin and her torso. At first I thought it was a cold sore on her chin, but the rash on her body made no sense. We weren't able to get in to see our own family doctor, so I took her to the walk-in clinic where she was given a quick "once-over" and a random prescription. It got worse... so much worse. She couldn't sleep and definitely couldn't go to school.
To compound matters, the following Wednesday morning I woke up and was barely able to swallow my own saliva. My throat was swollen and I was vomiting. I sent Nate off to school and headed to Emergency with Arielle. Thank goodness for moms - mine met me there and, after seeing the doctor with me, took Arielle under her wing for the day. Turns out I had a pretty bad throat infection. I headed for the pharmacy to get my prescription and went home to sleep it off.
We spent that night and the next dealing with Arielle's infection. You know how things always get worse at night? Why is that? Arielle was itching, raw, bleeding, stinging and sore. We took her to emergency on Thursday night and saw an exceptional doctor who took a swab and sent it away for lab testing. Thank goodness - we would get some answers.... but not until Monday.
In the mean time, we endured seven sleepless nights as we didn't get lab results until the following Thursday - 7 days later. Between many, many moments of compassion and nurturing, my mothering skills were flawed. I yelled, I cried, I even spanked. I was vacillating heavily between being a nurturer and selfishly needing sleep to function. I slept with my 58lb daughter lying on my chest... My back ached but at least we got a bit of sleep.
Also in the mean time, I had an ultrasound on the sore shoulder plaguing me for the last 12 months. The results were disheartening... I have a complete tear of my rotator cuff and I will need surgery. These results propelled me into a fit of anxiety. Questions like "how will I work?", "how will the company function without me?", "what if they replace me?", "how will I be a mom when I cannot even lift a simple skate bag?", "how will I do this on my own while Matt works away for ten days at a time?".
My mental state sent me spiralling into a mini-depression. I felt foggy and paralyzed. I couldn't even complete simple tasks, like making a list of items to pack for Arielle's upcoming skating trip. My house was in complete disarray. My husband arrived home on Wednesday night, just in time for a very bad panic attack. Thank God he was home to help me through that.
And then suddenly some really great things happened for me emotionally....
First, I was able to shift my focus to all the really great support I had in the last two weeks from my husband, family and friends. My husband texted me, "You're such a good mom. You work so hard for our kids!!". My friend Autumn brought me homemade turkey soup. My friend Michelle brought me a milkshake for my throat infection. My friend Laurena made me a packing list for our skating trip. My friend Karen checked on me constantly and gave me a huge hug the first time I saw her. My Mom was there for me at every turn, helping out with the kids and checking in to see how Arielle was feeling. I felt very loved and very supported.
Second, a quote from an audio book I'm listening to by Brene Brown, Rising Strong, hit home for me. The original quote is by Theodore Roosevelt and the part that stuck with me was quoted in Brene Brown's book: "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena...". And I was face-down in the arena! This quote inspired me to pick myself up and move forward. And so I did. That day I posted a photo of myself on Facebook accompanied by a statistic on mental illness. The response I got from that post was overwhelmingly positive and uplifting.
Third, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Arielle got a diagnosis! Turns out it was a very serious strep infection! She was prescribed antibiotics and we could see a difference within a day! She is currently on the mend and back to herself again!
Last but not least, I was desperate for some nurturing. And at the end of Arielle's synchro trip, I arrived home to a perfectly tidy house, laundry done, dishes washed and put away, school lunches made, garbage taken out, and a huge hug from my husband. I couldn't have been more relieved!
I slept 12 hours last night. I am ready to start conquering again. I haven't banged out the goals like I expected I would. And now that I've written this entry, I'm really glad I did. I think bumps in the road are inevitable and simply part of the journey. However, I am now rested, uplifted, and READY.
I'm Rising Strong.
