The Gift of Guilt

One of the biggest goals I've set for myself in 2016 is to overcome my intense feelings of guilt.  I'm venturing out on a limb and guessing that I'm going to need to find the root of the guilt in order to do this.  This will be a frequent blog topic, I'm sure.... That said, let the journey begin!

Throughout my adulthood, I've been plagued with feelings of guilt.  As I reveal this to people close to me, they tend to chalk it up as "mom guilt".  You know, the kind that comes with the corresponding "I didn't do enough for my kids today" or "If only I wasn't a working mother" thoughts.

This isn't quite what I'm grappling with though.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of THOSE kind of feelings.... but I have guilt running as a background program literally all of the time.

So, I divulged this to my parents last week.  I poured it all out about how I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt... I gave them the examples of how when Matt wakes up and isn't in a "talking mood", I immediately feel guilty, as if I've done something to cause this.  When my dad offered to help Nate build a car for a school project and Nate went off to play while my dad built it, I had such intense guilt I didn't know whether I should force Nate to help or dive in and help build the car myself.  When my Auntie Jackie brought over a bag of rice and essential oils so she could help me make some hot socks and we used almost the entire bag of rice, I felt so ridiculously guilty.  And EVERY SINGLE time I ask someone to help me with the kids in some way or another, I am riddled with the big "G".

To help me find the root of this guilt, I decided to write down every time in my childhood that I can remember feeling guilty.  So far I only have one.  It was the time that my Grandma knit me a brown sweater-vest.  I think I was 6.  I remember crying in my room because I did not want to wear that sweater-vest, yet I felt so incredibly horrible because I knew my Grandma had spent a lot of time making it especially for me.  If it were today, I'd rock that sweater-vest.  But I was 6 and brown was ugly.

A few days after I spilled the beans, my mom called with a few additions to my list.  I am literally laughing as I write (sorry Mom)!  She came up with three specific examples that I probably should feel guilty about.  Here goes:

The time I accidentally burned up the carpet in our living room while my mom had a nice relaxing bath.  I shoved all my school papers in the fireplace at once - the fire ROARED and instantly lit the Christmas Cards that were hanging on the mantle on fire.  From there, bits of paper and cards wafted through the air and landed on the carpet, burning tiny holes all over the living room floor.  An insurance claim ensued and a new carpet needed to be installed.  

The time I was going to a little party down the street and decided to help myself to some beer from my dad's stash.  I put four beer in my cute little pink backpack but wasn't smart enough to put padding in between them.  Oops!  When I picked up my backpack, the beer clinked together and I got a knowing look from my parents and a week's grounding.  Missed that party.

The time I went to see my boyfriend in Fort St. John.  I skipped school and caught the Greyhound there and spent the day hanging out with him.  I met his parents (who didn't seem to mind that he was skipping school), his mom introduced me to being an work-at-home Accountant (hmmmmm?), we had lunch with his dad, and did some shopping before I headed back home on the bus.  When I got home, I started walking toward my friends house, only to have my dad meet me half way there.  He had seen me in Fort St. John and I was about to come face to face with the consequences!

So I should feel guilty about these three things right?  But... nope.  NOTHING.  However, I got a great laugh out of them!  Maybe I don't feel bad because I think those are typical behaviors for a teenage girl (right?).  And hey, I had two older brothers who paved the way for me and trust me, they were WAY worse than I was.  After a good laugh with my mom, I chalked these up to funny memories and decided to continue my plan of writing the memories down as they came to me.

But then, last night, something amazing happened!  And the timing couldn't have been more perfect.  I am headed out of town for four nights so I asked the kids if they'd like to climb in and sleep with me last night.  Arielle, matter-of-factly, looked at me and said, "I really do mom, but every time we sleep with you, you complain about how much your shoulder hurts and it makes me feel really bad".  And I realized the "gift" that I am passing on to my children...  The "gift" of guilt.

This realization fuelled me more than ever!  I know I am headed toward a great journey in figuring out the cause of these feelings and, hopefully, coming to the point that I can sort through them and start living free of guilt.  I am determined to pass new and amazing gifts on to my children. <3