Nate was sad to find out that the majority of his appointments would be working on reading. I wasn't aware either and when I found out, I was worried about how it would go. It has been surprisingly great! Nate's sessions include wearing glasses that flicker lights when his brain waves are not in the ideal state. When they get to the desired levels, the lights turn off and a sort of "white noise" can be heard through the headphones he is wearing. The idea is to frustrate him a tiny bit while in a learning environment so his brain learns what to do. Reading is tricky for Nate because of his learning disability, so this type of biofeedback can be very successful for him if all goes well.
The first few days here were rough on me. Nate was very defiant and saying, "NO" to everything I asked of him. He was grouchy and uncooperative, which is unlike him. I always tell people that I usually just have to "look at him mean-like" and he does what I ask. However, the first few days were completely different! I discussed this abnormality with Dr. Swingle who explained to me that they were working on the frontal part of his brain associated with persistence and they may have "over corrected". Dr. Swingle was on top of it and, after seeing Nate, assured me that this was the case and that they had taken care of it. And, sure enough, they did! No more defiance. Not even once since that moment.
I'm having many proud mommy moments as all of the technicians have told me what an enjoyable and cooperative young man he is. *sigh.... my heart swells* Several have also told me how much his reading has improved already since last week! I can't wait to see if this transfers to his classroom environment.
When we leave our sessions, Nate is noticeably happier than when we went in. (I wonder if it's because we are STILL climbing six floors of stairs to get to each appointment?) I have also noticed that his anger spells have decreased SIGNIFICANTLY and when he does get angry, he is very quick to apologize. I can tell he is truly concerned about how I feel and wants me to know that he is very sorry for what he's said or done. It makes me feel relief. I can see his happiness shining through and isn't that all we ever want for our kids? Their happiness?
As for me, I'm experiencing treatments first-hand, although, they are much different than Nate's. The first on my list was to tackle the trauma marker at the back of my brain. Dr. Swingle felt it was very important to increase the Alpha waves here and have my brain release the emotions related to the trauma. All of the technicians explained to me that if I had any emotional "outbursts" just to recognize the feelings and sit with them. I felt prepared. My treatments consisted of closing my eyes and listening to some relaxing music. When my Alpha waves increased above a certain threshold, I would hear a soft horn. I was told to passively listen to the horn. I am not one to be able to take a nap but I must have almost fallen asleep 5 times in my first session. I say "almost" because the technicians cannot allow me to sleep or the treatment isn't effective. It's so absolutely relaxing.... and I am thinking about the last time I sat and relaxed for 45 straight minutes without looking at my phone or being interrupted by a child (or husband). It makes me realize that I definitely need more of this in my life. And I mean daily.
The second night, as I'm laying in bed next to Nate and just staring at him (you know that creepy mom-stare you do when you are thinking that you had NO IDEA that you could love a human being THIS much?), when I start to cry. Like sob. And suddenly I have this thought of this HUGE fight Matt and I had when Nate was around two. (Sidenote - Matt and I have since learned how to "fight" properly and keep in mind that this was pre-medication and a full-blown mental illness for this girl. I'm not apologizing for this by any means. Matt and I still fight. We think it's important but now we do it "right".) It was a full-on screaming tantrum with psychotic Terri throwing things... that broke.... And suddenly my baby boy was wrapping his arms around my legs and pleading, "Sorry Mommy, Sorry Mommy" repeatedly. He thought it was his fault and in that instant, my heart broke. Of course I explained to him how mommies and daddies sometimes have fights and that it had nothing to do with him, but I felt deep grief and guilt in that moment. I hadn't thought of that in years, but suddenly here it was.... and I was sobbing. This may or may not be my trauma marker... it's not what I thought it might be. But it affected me deeply. And since then, Dr. Swingle has informed me that I have numerous trauma markers that we will be dealing with.
After that first night, I have had several of the same treatments and no emotional issues. We have now switched it up and are working on increasing Theta waves which will correspondingly increase my stress tolerance. The treatment is more like Nate's this time - flickering lights and white noise. Not as relaxing, but still 45 minutes of "Terri Time". I'm enjoying it.
I will say that I haven't noticed a big change in myself. Having said that, I'm realistic. I'm in artificial circumstances right now. Nate and I are living a pretty relaxed existence. I'm still working when I can get a decent internet connection but there is no morning routine, I am sleeping in, I don't have to rush to work, there are not numerous drives in and out of town on often icy roads, there are no skating practices to deal with, no grumpy daughter issues, no lunches to make.... you get the idea! I'm excited to see how I do in the real world.
Nate and I are utterly exhausted (wow... now I get it!). And we have a whole week to go! Yesterday we sat around the apartment instead of going to Science World. Nate built Lego, we played a few games, we watched a movie and we had tacos. We are now counting down the number of appointments until Matt and Arielle come visit us this Friday. Our plans include Science World and the Canucks game! #weareallcanucks
In the meantime, we are going to enjoy our little vacation from "lifing". I've told Nate how immensely proud of him I am for working so hard on his reading. I'm recognizing every little change. I'm also remembering that when we get home there will be hard work to be done breaking behavioral habits. But, we are going to nail it. Watch us.
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