Reintroducing.... ME

I've taken a bit of a blogging hiatus since last fall.  I was trying to figure out if there was a purpose to this blog and, if so, what it was.  And I've decided that the purpose is just therapeutic.  I've decided that it's okay if it's nothing more than that.  So this year will just be randomness, no point, no goals, just reality.  And I thank you for reading my ramblings regardless.  So much love to you!  <3

I have decided that 2017 is going to be a HUGE year for self-growth for me.  Today I want to introduce you who I am.  And then, a year from now, I will introduce you again.  And hope for growth.  A lot of it.  Because 2017 is going to be about me.  It's been a long time since I took care of myself.  18 months to be exact.

So, here I am.... eeeeeek, this is scary.

The facts.... I'm Terri, wife to Matt and mom to Nate and Arielle.  I'm a Chartered Professional Accountant by trade.  I'm also the proud business owner of my Rodan + Fields virtual franchise and my own little brand new business, Tiny Town Tax Services.  I work.  I cart my kids around to sports and appointments.  I cook (sometimes).  I watch the odd TV show.  I love to read.  I have poor eating habits and I have body image issues because of it.  I am TIGHT with my extended family (lucky me!).  My life is crazy and exhausting and too much for me to handle most times.  I dread Monday mornings.  But I love weekends with my family.

Here's what you might not know.... and this is the HARD part....

I struggle with mental illness (see previous blogs) and since last March, my struggle has been dark.  I've spent many weekends alone, sitting in my chair at home, struggling in silence.  I spent weekends camping with friends and family where I could not bring myself to leave my motorhome.  There are mornings that I can barely get out of bed knowing I have to function in the real world.  I don't want anyone to see this... yet I need compassion and love during these dark times.  Catch-22.

I am an outgoing introvert.  Everyone I tell this to says, "no you aren't, you're one of the most extroverted people I know!".  But it's not true.  I'm outgoing, meaning I'm not shy.  I will talk to anyone.  I will say anything I feel like saying and I'm not afraid.  But I do not take energy from people... Despite the fact that I truly enjoy people, at the end of the day, interactions with people have actually completely drained me.  I need to be alone in the calm and silence in order to recover.  It's tough to find calm and silence when you have kids.  Sometimes I don't recover and it's really, really hard for me to face the next day.

I worry constantly.  I cannot shut my brain off.  I worry that I may have somehow offended you in a conversation.  I worry that I haven't met your expectations.  I worry that I am not working hard enough.  I have a ton of guilt.  Guilt.  All the time.  I'm not a good enough wife.  Mom.  Friend.  Pet owner.  Daughter.  Sister.  Daughter-in-law.  Ugh.  And the wheels. just. turn. constantly.

I've recently figured out the kind of people I love to be around.  It might sound silly, but my whole life I greatly desired to be "in" with the "cool kids".  You know the lyrics "I wish that I could be like the cool kids".... they're about me.  Up until a couple of years ago, that was still me.  And, I guess, it sometimes still is.  When I see an friend on Facebook with the cool girls, I have a serious pang of jealousy.  Yet, when I think about it realistically, it's the last place I'd want to be because....

.....I truly think some of those people are toxic.  AND, I've made an effort to NOT be in the presence of toxic people (and by toxic I mean toxic to ME).  But even if I don't especially like you, I still want you to like me.  Woah....

On the friendship note, I am damn lucky to have had one of the most amazing and supportive best friends for my entire adult life.  She just simply accepts me - my craziness, my demanding nature, my life as it is, and I am blessed to have a friend like this.  We often talk about it and simply note that not many people have a friendship like this one.  It's exceptional.  On top of that, I have found three other friends who just get me.  They completely love and accept me for who I am and I absolutely adore them.  These friends and many amazing acquaintances lift me up in their presence.  You know who you are, my people.  <3

I am completely obsessed with personal development.  I am on the lookout for new and exciting ways to become complete.  And if the bank account would allow it, I would be attending these every chance I get.  I usually need to pick one.  And several books to compliment it.  I love it.  I think it might be an addiction.

Because of my obsession with personal development, I have transformed somewhat into a vulnerable person.  I put myself "out there" more often than not.  Because of that, I get hurt.  Easily.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I won't let it stop me from being brave and showing you who I am.  And then hoping silently that you like what you see.  (*Alert... room for improvement here*)

I think I am letting my son down... every minute of every day.  Maybe it's in letting him have too much technology.  Or enabling him.  Or overprotecting him.  Whatever it is, I'm not doing enough, or I'm doing too much.  It breaks my heart.

My daughter and I have a very intense relationship.  We struggle with power every single day.  She is a powerful little thing, let me tell you, for a nine year old.  Who's the mom here anyway?  I worry about our relationship and the coming years.  Because, as much as I deeply LOVE her, quite frankly, sometimes I don't like her that much.  Sometimes I dread the moment that she wakes up in the morning for fear of her mood.  And after I feel that way, I feel guilty.  Circle back.

I worry sick about my husband's relationship with our children.  Because I worry so much, I tend to interject.  A LOT.  It makes him feel like shit and I get that.  On the other hand, he lacks compassion and empathy, which I have.  Plus, as I mentioned above, I tend to enable.  We need to meet in the middle, but never really have when it comes to parenting.  He is hard-core as shit and it's a struggle in our marriage.  We know it.  We recognize it.  And we work on it all the time.

I have a better understanding now more than ever of my marriage.  I've finally come to realize that marriage is a freaking crazy roller coaster.  Right now, we are in a dip.  But that's okay because I know we are going back up again.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm not standing with one foot out the door (anymore).  And if you want to read a GREAT article on marriage, check this one out!  I could see Matt and I in every single paragraph.  I'm happy with that.  We're going to make it.

http://www.businessinsider.com/i-polled-1500-people-about-their-best-relationship-advice-and-the-same-themes-came-up-over-and-over-2016-12
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Introducing me.  Now.  January 2017.

For the record, I don't want to change who I am.  I love who I am.  I actually love myself.  For real.  I just want to grow.  Here's to 2017... a year of personal growth!